Snap Stock Soars: Strong Q3 vs. What's Really Going On

Snap's Q3 "Soars"? Yeah, Right. Wake Me When They Turn a Profit.

So, Snap's stock "soared" after their Q3 report? Give me a freakin' break. Up 23% in extended trading? That's like celebrating a participation trophy at the Olympics. They lost six cents a share. Lost! Sure, it beat the "analyst estimate" of losing 12 cents, but who are these analysts and what kinda Kool-Aid are they drinking?

Quarterly revenue hit $1.5 billion, beating estimates of $1.49 billion. Okay, fine. A whole $10 million over? That's like finding spare change in the couch cushions of a company supposedly worth billions. And up from $1.37 billion last year? So what? Still not profitable. This is like bragging about running faster while still being last in the race.

The Buyback Boondoggle

Oh, and let's not forget the $500 million share repurchase program. Because that's totally the sign of a healthy, thriving company, right? When you can't figure out how to actually grow the damn thing, just buy back your own stock to artificially inflate the price. It's financial engineering at its finest – a shell game designed to make the executives look good while they're slowly driving the company into the ground. I mean, come on... Snap Soars On Q3 Earnings, $500 Million Stock Buyback - Snap (NYSE:SNAP)

And Evan Spiegel, bless his heart, is "proud of the team's progress." Proud? The progress of losing less money than expected? That's the bar now? If my kid came home with a D- on a test and said he was proud because he was expecting an F, I'd ground him.

943 Million Users...Who Cares?

They're patting themselves on the back about reaching 943 million global monthly active users. Nine hundred and forty-three million! Sounds impressive, until you realize that most of them are probably just teenagers sending each other filtered selfies and disappearing messages. How much actual revenue are those users generating? What's the ROI on all those puppy-ear filters and dancing hot dogs? I bet it ain't pretty.

And 477 million daily active users. Okay, great. Are they paying users? Are they clicking on ads? Are they buying anything? Or are they just mindlessly scrolling through content while Snap burns through cash like a California wildfire? Details on this, offcourse, are conveniently scarce.

They're forecasting Q4 revenue between $1.68 billion and $1.71 billion. Versus the analyst estimate of $1.688 billion. So, basically, they're expecting to meet expectations. Groundbreaking. This is like predicting that the sun will rise in the east. It's not exactly a bold prediction, is it?

Is Anyone Actually Surprised?